Glimpses of Light
by Sariyuki
Summary: Shounen ai. Sanzo Hakkai. What do you do when your loved one completely forgets about you?


Title: Glimpses Of Light  
Author: Sariyuki  
Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki is Kazuya Minekura sama's masterpiece. I worship her :P  
Pairing: Sanzo + Hakkai  


========= 

There was an ambush. 

It wasn't unexpected. But the sheer number of youkais who attacked Sanzo and the gang this time was nothing to be laughed about. So far Sanzo and the gang were still winning but the number of enemies didn't seem to decrease a bit. 

"What the hell is this? The whole youkai community's attacking us?" shouted Gojyo while wiping out a couple of nearby enemies. 

"Tired already, eh kappa?" chirped in Goku, enthusiastically traded punches with a particularly muscular enemy. 

"Ch," added Sanzo, firing out his gun and dodging attacks from the enemies. "Weaklings." 

Gojyo grinned manically before replying, "I'm stronger in bed." 

"Ero kappa!" shouted Goku automatically upon hearing such words from Gojyo's mouth. 

"Urusai!" shouted Sanzo automatically upon hearing Goku's antic with Gojyo. 

"Ah, everybody sure gets along well," Hakkai smiled while leisurely blowing off some less fortunate enemies with his energy ball who happened to be near him. 

All in all, it was just another ordinary day to Sanzo and the gang. 

Unfortunately, a youkai managed to sneak behind the blonde monk unnoticed. The youkai swung his blade hard towards the back of Sanzo's head. Sanzo turned his head and saw what was happening but he was too late to react. 

"Sanzo! Watch out!" shouted Goku. 

Hakkai had also seen. There was no time to lose. He ran, shoved Sanzo out of danger and took the blow himself. The blade went right through his right shoulder and he fell hard onto the ground. 

Sanzo lost his balance and fell to the ground but managed to shoot the offending youkai. He looked around wildly and saw red everywhere. His eyes went wide. Without thinking, he ran to Hakkai's side. 

"Hakkai!" Goku and Gojyo made a run towards their falling comrade. 

But the enemies didn't allow them to get to Hakkai's place that easily. 

"Bastards!" Gojyo cursed and swung his weapon more dangerously than ever. He saw the blood and he saw Hakkai fell. He didn't want to think about it but he was worried as hell. Gojyo cursed more loudly. 

On the other end of the battle field, Goku took out his Nyoibou and fought more furiously and fiercely. He just wanted the fight to be over more than anything now. It wasn't fun anymore. 

Sanzo held Hakkai in his arms and muttered few curses under his breath. Hakkai had lost his consciousness. It seemed that he had hit his head hard on the ground. The blood that he had lost didn't help matters either. 

Some unfortunate souls who thought they could attack Sanzo in his presence state were sent straight to hell with a string of curses following Sanzo's bullets. 

Suddenly, Gojyo had reached Sanzo's side, "How is he?" 

"Bad," replied Sanzo. His hand was holding Hakkai's loosely as if Sanzo was afraid to hurt Hakkai more. The hand felt so cold. 

"You should get away from here, go back to the town and get some help," suggested Gojyo urgently while taking care of some enemies who still didn't decrease their attack. 

Sanzo tried to think. 

Would he really leave the others behind to save one? Would he sacrifice the others for his selfishness? He realized he wanted to save Hakkai. It was his selfishness. He didn't want to lose Hakkai. There couldn't possibly any other way. If Hakkai didn't get help immediately, he would be gone. Blood was still flowing from Hakkai's wound and Sanzo knew nothing about healing. 

Gojyo's voice was more urgent than ever, "What the hell are you doing, Sanzo? Quick! You've gotta go!" 

Sanzo stood up with Hakkai leaning heavily on his side. He looked at the battlefield. Goku was still fighting furiously. There's no way he could be beaten. They would be okay. 

"We'll be okay," shouted Gojyo. "If that's what you're worrying about." 

"I'm going," decided Sanzo. 

"Ch!" replied Gojyo. But in his heart, he was relieved. Sanzo could be stupidly stubborn sometimes. 

"Goku!" called out Gojyo. "Finish them all!" 

"Yessir!" 

Sanzo glared and shot everyone who was on his way to the jeep. 

---------- 

Two days later... 

Hakkai was still unconscious but the doctor had said that he would heal, given time. Sanzo and the gang were back staying in the inn in the town, waiting for Hakkai to heal before continuing the journey. 

It was in the morning and everyone was in Hakkai's room, which was also Sanzo's room as was the usual case, when Hakkai finally moved and opened his eyes. 

He sat up on his bed and looked at his surrounding. 

Red hair, blue headband, smoke on lips... 

A kid with big worried eyes... 

A blonde monk, red cakra, sutra on both shoulders... 

Hakkai touched his pounding head. Everything was so blurry on his mind. 

"Hakkai?" came the tentative call from Goku. 

Hakkai looked up, "Hakkai? Is that my name?" 

The temperature in the room dropped several degrees in that one second. 

"What do you mean, Hakkai?" Goku suddenly was on Hakkai's side. "You can't say that you don't remember your own name?" 

"Shut up, monkey," Gojyo brushed Goku aside to talk to Hakkai. "Oi, have you really lost your memory, Hakkai?" 

Hakkai frowned and tried to think with his pounding head, "I... I don't know. I feel that I know, that I remember. You are all so familiar and yet..." 

"... I can't recall your names." 

Gojyo was shocked beyond words. He hadn't expected this. 

"Things couldn't possibly be worse than this," muttered Gojyo. 

"I'm sorry," replied Hakkai from the bed. He felt awful as realization hit him. He had lost his memory. He had a feeling that he had something important to do and yet he couldn't remember what that was. 

Goku looked at Hakkai with widen eyes, "But, but, but! How can you forget, Hakkai?" 

Hakkai just shook his head silently. 

"Ne, Sanzo, how can he forget? What should we do?" 

Sanzo stood still and tried to digest the news. How he could answer Goku's questions he didn't know. What should they all do in this situation? How could Hakkai forget? Had he forgotten about him too? 

Sanzo slowly crossed the room, sat on the side of the bed and looked into a pair of confused green eyes. 

"Do you know my name?" asked Sanzo after several seconds of silence. 

Hakkai opened his mouth to answer. He could feel the answer at the back of his head. He clawed at his memory desperately but found nothing. 

Slowly he shook his head. "I'm sorry." 

Sanzo looked away and muttered something that only could be heard by Hakkai. 

"Me too." 

Hakkai looked at the back of Sanzo's head sadly. He didn't know why but he felt that he had forgotten something very, very important. 

--------- 

The doctor had said that the loss of memory was to be expected. The cause would be the wound in Hakkai's head. The doctor had also said that slowly it would all come back to him. It was best to leave things slowly and take one step at a time to restore Hakkai's memory. 

That was why Goku was sitting on Hakkai's bed and telling Hakkai all about themselves and their mission to the West. Goku thought that by telling Hakkai everything about their adventures and journey to the West would help speeding up Hakkai's memory loss recovery. 

Hakkai listened attentively while asking questions every now and then. Everything that Goku told him sounded so familiar in his head and yet he wouldn't even know that the memories were there if Goku hadn't told him. 

Across the room, Gojyo glanced at the silent monk. Sanzo hadn't talked much all day. In fact, he hadn't done anything much at all except for chain smoking. 

"Aren't you going to tell him?" asked Gojyo. 

Sanzo put out his cigarette in the ashtray. He didn't bother looking at Gojyo. 

"What to tell him?" 

Gojyo scowled, "Don't play fools with me. You know what I'm talking about, Sanzo." 

Sanzo didn't reply. 

He had been debating with himself all day long. Telling Hakkai that they're... what were they really? Sleeping partners? Fuck buddies? Lovers? He scowled inwardly at himself. How could he do that with Hakkai looking at him like a total stranger? 

Fuck. 

They were sharing the same room but it felt that they were miles apart. Hakkai was so close and yet so far to reach. And how Sanzo longed to reach out to him, to put his arms around him. 

How could Hakkai just forget about everything? 

The same question went through Sanzo's head over and over again. 

And he was beginning to hate Hakkai. 

--------- 

A week later... 

After Hakkai had regained his health, they decided to go on their journey. Hakkai's memory was still not back but it was just a waste of time to stay in one place for too long and they didn't want to attract too much attention so they had to move on. 

Hakkai was driving. He had talked to Hakuryuu and found out that he really could understand the white dragon. He remembered driving the jeep on a long journey. Only it seemed to him that the memory was from way long time ago. But he knew it wasn't true. Hakkai sighed silently. This memory loss was beginning to get him. 

Hakkai glanced at the silent figure beside him. 

He didn't actually know what to do with the monk he had been sharing a room with. It seemed to him that the monk didn't really want to have anything to do with him, not even talking. He had tried to make conversations with the monk but only received cold shoulders and short answers if he was lucky. Had he done something terribly wrong to the monk in the past? He wished he could remember. 

"Ne, Sanzo," started Goku. "I'm-" 

A cold feeling of metal touched Goku's forehead before Goku even finished his sentence, "Don't even think about it." 

Goku ignored the gun and kept on going, "But Sanzo! I really am hungry!" 

Sanzo sat back and ignored Goku's rant. 

"Oi, monkey, do you really wish to die?" Gojyo slapped the back of Goku's head. "Don't play with the monk right now if you value your life." 

"But I'm gonna die starving!" whined Goku. 

"At least you won't have an ugly hole in your head if you die starving," replied Gojyo mercilessly. "And anyway you've had your breakfast. How can you be hungry now?" 

"But it's noon already! It is lunch time now," insisted Goku. 

"Ch," muttered Gojyo. "I'd rather talking to a brick wall than this thick head of a monkey." 

"What did you say?" retorted Goku. "Don't call me monkey!" 

Gojyo and Goku had started their old routine and Sanzo could feel his head pounding harder. He hadn't had any good sleep lately and he really could do without this insanity behind him. His hand itched for pulling the trigger of his gun. 

Hakkai glanced at him and smiled, "Don't worry, the next town is not so far away. We'll be there soon." 

Sanzo caught Hakkai's smile and felt his heart getting heavier. Hakkai's smile was still the same. His voice was still the same. He was still the same Hakkai. He would talk like Hakkai used to talk. And he got along well with Goku and Gojyo and smiled at their antics just like the old Hakkai would. 

But when Hakkai looked at him and smiled, there wasn't anything special for Sanzo there. The look and the smile were just some things Hakkai would give to anyone. There wasn't anything at all that was only for him. Why it bothered him so much, Sanzo couldn't really understand. 

Sometimes Hakkai would look at him with mixed emotions in his eyes. As if he was trying to understand what had been bothering the monk. Sometimes he would ask Sanzo what was wrong. How much Sanzo wanted to tell him that everything was wrong but all he could say was nothing. How he longed to have Hakkai back as his own. His so-called lover. 

Sanzo cursed inwardly. Sharing a room with someone whom he used to share a passion with without being able to even touch that person? It was hell. Or maybe hell is better than this, thought Sanzo bitterly. 

Why did it hurt so much to be forgotten? 

------------- 

Another week had gone by, Sanzo and the gang was on their way to the next town. Hakkai had found out about his fighting ability. To his surprise more than anyone else, he had been able to summon his ki and blow off some youkais when they were under attack. 

He started to remember about more things as days passed by. 

They were on the jeep. Gojyo and Goku were talking animatedly about the weather. Sanzo was as silent as ever. Hakkai was driving slowly while consulting a map on his hand. 

"Everyone," said Hakkai. "The next town is still quite far to go. I think it would be nighttime when we arrive there." 

"Aw, that sucks," complained Goku. "Does that mean that we can't eat until nighttime?" 

"This stupid monkey," said Gojyo annoyed. "Can't think of anything else but food, can you?" 

Hakkai smiled and replied, "Well, we could stop somewhere on the way and have lunch. I bought some take away food before leaving town this morning." 

Goku jumped at the mention of the word 'food'. "Hakkai, you're so cool!" 

Gojyo had a scowl on his face but didn't say anything. 

"What do you think, Sanzo?" Hakkai glanced sideways. "Is it okay if we're stopping for lunch?" 

Sanzo shrugged. "I don't care." 

"I take that as a yes then," replied Hakkai calmly, getting used to Sanzo's sarcastic ways. 

Hakkai found a nice large clearing in the middle of the forest they were passing and stopped the vehicle. The forest had a nice auburn colour theme. It was autumn and leaves were falling all over the place. They picked a nice spot under a big tree, which will cover them from the sunlight and sat themselves for lunch. 

"Let's eat!" announced Goku enthusiastically. 

"Yeah, yeah," replied Gojyo, never missed a cue from Goku. "Certainly a big occasion around here." 

"Can you two shut up?" snapped Sanzo, annoyed. His temper was getting worse day by day. 

"Ch," muttered Gojyo, opening his lunch box. 

Goku ignored Sanzo's hostility and started to eat everything within his reach. 

Hakkai tugged at Sanzo's sleeve and pointed him his share of lunch box, "Don't you want to eat, Sanzo?" 

"I don't feel like eating," replied Sanzo. He lighted a cigarette and put it in between his lips. 

"You haven't been eating well, Sanzo," said Hakkai concerned. He knew that Sanzo hadn't been sleeping well either. He couldn't help but worried about Sanzo's condition. "Is something bothering you?" 

Sanzo cast a fleeting glance at once-upon-a-time the closest thing in this world he would ever call a lover. 

Every night, he had been contemplating about telling Hakkai about their so-called relationship. Every night, he had longed to touch, to feel and have him in his embrace. How he longed to feel his gentle caress and to hear the tender words that were only meant for him? Every night, he couldn't close his eyes thinking that Hakkai would never remember ever again. 

How long would he have to wait until Hakkai remembered? Would he ever remember? 

Sanzo didn't want to start thinking about it. Every night the very thought kept him awake until the morning came. 

All this time, his pride had been keeping him from telling Hakkai. He wouldn't want to sink himself so low by begging affection from the green eyed youkai. If Hakkai didn't feel the attraction why would he throw himself upon him? 

But the truth was Sanzo couldn't stand the possibility of Hakkai flinching under his touch. To Hakkai, he was a total stranger now. A stranger who happened to share the same room with him. What if Sanzo reached out to him and was rejected? He would simply die before that happened. 

Sanzo gritted his teeth. 

"No," came the short reply. "Nothing's wrong." 

Gojyo raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Sanzo could be so stubborn sometimes. Why couldn't he just tell everything to Hakkai? thought Gojyo. It's been two weeks. The way Sanzo going now was driving everyone mad. His temper couldn't get any worse and it seemed that Sanzo didn't care about anything else much anymore. This is really bad, thought Gojyo. He had never seen Sanzo like this. 

It's time to do something about it, thought Gojyo. 

"Quick, Goku, finish up," Gojyo nudged Goku in the ribs. 

"Why?" replied Goku, still chewing a mouthful of food. 

"Because we need to find water to drink, stupid monkey," told Gojyo, making up excuses as he went. "And guess who will find water for us?" 

"Who? Us?" 

"Hah! This will be the first time you have used your brain," replied Gojyo, snickering. "That's why hurry up!" 

Sanzo cast a sideway glance at Gojyo. Gojyo caught the glance and gave the monk a wink. Sanzo knew that Gojyo was giving him a chance to be alone with Hakkai but he looked away and ignored the wink. 

Gojyo muttered, "Ungrateful bastard." 

"What?" asked Goku, oblivious of all things in the presence of food. 

"Nothing," replied Gojyo quickly. He stood up. "Let's go now!" 

"W-wait, Gojyo," screamed Goku while being dragged from his lunch box. "I haven't finished!" 

Hakkai watched the commotion in front of him with creased eyebrows, "Gojyo surely is thirsty." 

Sanzo shrugged and continued staring at nothing. 

What would he do now that he was alone with Hakkai? 

He could do nothing. And he would do nothing. 

Sanzo threw away the last remnants of his cigarette. 

"The forest is beautiful, ne Sanzo?" 

Sanzo looked around his surrounding. Everywhere he looked he saw red and brown leaves. The cold breeze of autumn swept the leaves every now and then. The last rays of sunset were coming in between the branches of trees, creating leaves patterned shadows in the wood. 

"Yes, it is," replied Sanzo. And you are too, added Sanzo mentally. 

Hakkai just sat there and smiled. His hair was ruffled mildly by the gentle wind and he looked in awe of his surrounding. He took and deep breath and inhaled the scent of the forest. It was really peaceful in here. He enjoyed being in here, sitting and watching the scenery around him. 

"I think I'm going to take a rest for a little while here." 

Hakkai slumped his body on the ground and closed his eyes. 

Sanzo watched the resting figure of Hakkai. He watched Hakkai's chest rose and fell in rhythm with his breathing. There was a vague smile on his face. Glimpses of sunlight fell on his smiling face and his hair was slightly ruffled by the wind. He was so maddeningly beautiful. 

Sanzo could feel that his heart was beating faster. His hand moved on its own accord and he touched Hakkai's face. 

Hakkai opened his eyes, "Sanzo?" 

Sanzo looked startled. He quickly thought of something. 

"There was dirt on your face," came the lame reply. 

Sanzo cursed himself mentally. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

"Oh," said Hakkai. "Thank you." 

Sanzo looked away from Hakkai's gaze, "Hakkai, I... there's something I want to tell you." 

Hakkai was silent for a moment. He had been waiting for this. "Yes?" 

"I...," Sanzo's heart was pounding so fast. What was he going to say? 

Hakkai waited for the next words to come out from Sanzo's mouth but something else came. And he was surprised when suddenly Sanzo was staring down at him, his face was only inches away from his. 

"Sanzo?" 

Sanzo closed the gap between him and the object of his desire. He claimed the lips that have haunted his dreams of late and kissed the beautiful youkai beneath his body. How he had missed those lips. How he had wanted to do this. 

And when Hakkai kissed him back, Sanzo thought he could die right there and then. 

When he pulled away, Sanzo asked the question he had longed to ask, "How could you forget, Hakkai?" 

Hakkai ran his fingers through Sanzo's golden hair, he traced the lines of Sanzo's face and looked into the pair of violet eyes. He thought he could see sadness in there. But that couldn't be. Sanzo's sad because of him? 

"Sanzo..." 

Hakkai arched his body forward and placed a light kiss on Sanzo's parted lips, "I've been waiting for this, you know. I thought you would never do anything about me." 

Sanzo's eyes went wide, "What do you mean? You didn't ... you've remembered?" 

Hakkai smiled, "Yes." 

Sanzo was still in shock, "When?" 

"Three days ago," replied Hakkai calmly. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" asked Sanzo incredulously. 

"Indeed," said Hakkai. "I was meaning to ask you the same question. Why didn't you tell me?" 

Sanzo opened his mouth to reply but quickly closed it again. 

"So you've been acting in the last three days?" Sanzo stared, still half believing what Hakkai said. 

"I bet you enjoyed watching me suffering like an idiot," mumbled Sanzo. He looked away from Hakkai's gaze. 

"You're not the only one who suffers, Sanzo," replied Hakkai. "I was wondering when you would tell me about us. I was wondering if I meant anything to you at all. I was beginning to be convinced that you have preferred me forgetting about you." 

"No!" shouted Sanzo. "That isn't true." 

"I'm glad," replied Hakkai. 

Sanzo was silent. All this was so unexpected. Of course it was a pleasant surprise to find that Hakkai had recovered from his memory lost but it was still a shock. There were so many questions he wanted to ask. 

"How did you remember?" 

"It just happened that one morning," told Hakkai. "I woke up and I felt that I had missed something. Someone. By my side. I felt so empty." 

"And then I looked at you across the room and I saw what I was missing." 

"But I wasn't sure. You kept your distance, as if you were avoiding me." 

"As if you hated me." 

"So I just waited," continued Hakkai. "For you to come to me." 

Sanzo cast his gaze at the sky and then at the person next to him. 

All this was so strange to him. 

Days and night his mind was so clustered and crowded with worries and now suddenly it was as clear as the day. It was like a heavy burden had been lifted off his shoulders. Who would have thought things would turn out this way? 

Now Sanzo didn't know if he wanted to laugh or get angry at Hakkai for making him suffering for so long. 

"You're an idiot, you know that?" 

Hakkai smiled, "Am I?" 

"Don't give me that face," Sanzo snorted. 

"Sanzo..." 

Hakkai leaned closer and kissed Sanzo's lips. 

Sanzo pulled Hakkai's body toward his and kissed him back hungrily. 

"You don't know how long I've been waiting to do this." 

Hakkai laughed, "I miss you too." 

"Good," Sanzo smirked. "We have some catching up to do." 

---------- 

In the inn... 

"Na, Gojyo... what are you looking at?" asked Goku, from the nearby bed. 

"The ceiling," replied Gojyo, making smoke circles from his cigarette. 

"Do you know why Sanzo kept on smiling all the way to this town?" 

Gojyo snickered, "I can guess." 

"Tell me!" asked Goku. 

"It's an adult matter, monkey," replied Goku teasingly. "You need not to know." 

"Ch." 

"Ne, Gojyo," started Goku after several minutes. "Do you think Sanzo will still be in a good mood tomorrow?" 

Gojyo couldn't help but smile. 

"Well, by the sound of it... I bet he will be in a very good mood tomorrow." 

"The sound of what?" asked Goku confused. 

"Can't you hear?" 

"No." 

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. He didn't know that Goku had hearing difficulties. Either that or he was really stupid. 

"Never mind. You're too young to know." 

Goku snorted in disgust, "Ch." 

  
==== End ==== 


End file.
